What to do When Your Partner is Married to His Mother
Erin Wysong-Warren, LPC-S, NCC, CSAT, CPTT, SEP
Feeling like your partner is more invested in his mother than you can be challenging to your relationship and mental health. You may feel forgotten or wonder if you have done something to push your partner away. This reality can be confusing, but understanding what is causing this distance between you and your partner can help.
What is enmeshment?
Enmeshment is when two or more people become close to the point of boundaries becoming blurred or nonexistent. This typically happens between family members, such as a parent and their child, but it can occur in any relationship.
When enmeshment happens between your partner and his mother, your mother-in-law may feel more like your partner's spouse than your husband's mom. Your mother-in-law may treat you poorly, push boundaries, and see you as "the other woman." She may make unreasonable or inappropriate emotional demands of your partner as if asking him to choose between her needs and yours.
To learn more about enmeshment in general, how to identify it in yourself and others, what causes it, and more, check out our post "Enmeshment 101 - What it is and Steps You Can Take."
Signs your partner may be enmeshed with his mother
If you're reading this, you likely already suspect your partner of being enmeshed with his mother. Still, there are signs you should look out for first.
Struggling to make his own decisions. This often includes basic decisions like what to do on the weekends, what clothes he should wear, or what to spend his money on.
Having mixed emotions regarding his mother. On the one hand, he may desire independence; on the other, he cannot set boundaries to achieve this goal. This can be extremely frustrating as his partner. Understanding why your partner keeps returning to his mother while claiming he wants distance from her can be challenging.
Making compromises to keep the peace–at all costs. While compromise is vital for any relationship, when your partner is enmeshed with his mother, you may find that he compromises to the point of causing collateral damage. These "compromises" may include changing holiday plans to be at his parent's house instead of yours or spending time with his mother instead of spending time with his friends. This is not only damaging to you and your relationship but also to your partner's mental health, as he likely feels he has no choice in these matters.
Struggling with self-control. Does your partner struggle with control around food, sex, or spending money? While these issues can be attributed to many things, being enmeshed with his mother could be the cause. This is because your partner is finally able to have control over something. However, adjusting to having full power over himself can be difficult, leading to a lack of impulse control.
Taking his anger out on you. If your partner is in an enmeshed relationship, he likely has pent-up emotions regarding his mother. However, due to the nature of enmeshed relationships, he may be unable to express them properly and will, therefore, take them out on you instead. You may hear phrases like "don't pressure me" when you need him to make a decision or "don't baby me" when you attempt to comfort him.
Keeping you from interacting with his mother. A mother-enmeshed man may try to keep his partner from interacting with his mother. Your partner may make excuses as to why you can't come or only visit her when he knows you're busy.
Gaslighting or lying to you. Depending on the severity, your partner may gaslight you into believing he is simply "close" with his mother and that you’re just insecure or possessive. He may downplay or lie about how much he prioritizes his mother over you. He may even try to blame you for his issues.
How your partner may be feeling
Being in an enmeshed relationship can feel confusing and frustrating–especially when enmeshed with a parent. Your partner has likely never known a relationship with his mother that didn't involve control and bowing to her every whim, making him feel stuck, angry, or a mix of complicated emotions. These feelings may push him to make decisions based on guilt and a need to put his enmeshed family's needs over yours.
What you may feel as the partner of a mother-enmeshed man
If you are the partner of a mother-enmeshed man, you may experience feelings of coming in second place. You may feel your partner would choose his mother over you if it came down to it. Feeling unimportant to your partner is devastating.
As time passes, you may resent your partner, especially if you take care of the house, the kids, and him while he takes care of his enmeshed family instead of you.
You may also feel like an outsider. This could be due to not being your partner's highest priority or because of comments and backhanded compliments from his mother. As previously mentioned, she may be threatened by you and your role in her son's life, regarding you more as a mistress than a daughter-in-law, resulting in critical remarks or giving you the cold shoulder.
What you can do to maintain your mental health
Now that you understand enmeshed relationships and how they can affect you and your partner, you can begin to take on these issues in a new light. Here are a few things you can do to support your mental health and your partner's.
Be gentle when starting conversations about your feelings. Instead of yelling at your partner about how much time he spends with his mother or telling him it's "weird," consider expressing how you feel using phrases like "I'm a bit concerned about…" and then share your feelings.
Avoid speaking negatively of your mother-in-law. This doesn't mean you have to lie about her behavior; simply try to avoid painting her negatively when discussing their relationship. This will help keep your partner from becoming defensive and create a safer environment for vulnerable conversation.
Share your needs with your partner. Tell your partner what you need from him, and try to leave his family out of it when appropriate. Couples therapy is a great space to do this. A therapist can help you navigate both of your needs while establishing boundaries.
Seek individual therapy. If your partner isn't willing to go to couples therapy, consider individual therapy to help you navigate these hardships. Individual therapy can help you feel heard and give you the tools to strengthen your relationship with your partner.
Every Institute for Relational Recovery clinician is trained and to help those in enmeshed relationships. If you live in the state of Texas and want to work with a therapist or have other mental health concerns, contact us on our contact page or call (214) 906-5138.
For those out of state, find a therapist who specializes in enmeshed relationships here. Plus, check out Dr. Ken Adams’ workshops facilitated by Erin Wysong-Warren, Reclaiming Your Voice: Empowering Partners of Enmeshed Adults and Women Finding Freedom: The Invisible Betrayal of Parental Enmeshment.
The source for this article comes from years of experience as a preferred provider for enmeshed relationships, as well as being an enmeshment workshop facilitator for Dr. Ken Adams. Aspects of this article also come from Dr. Adams' book, When He's Married to Mom. Check out the chapter "Should I Stay or Should I Go?" for a deeper dive into being in an intimate relationship with mother-enmeshed men.
About the Author
Erin Wysong-Warren
LPC-S, NCC, CSAT, CPTT, SEP