The 12 Stages of Courtship: Building Healthy and Lasting Relationships
Colin Alphonso, MS, LPC-Associate, LCDC, CSAT, under the supervision of Erin Wysong-Warren, LPC-S License #70992
Dr. Patrick Carnes, a leading expert on addiction and intimacy, points out something we don’t often admit: “One problem is that there is no systematic and reliable way in our culture to learn the basics of courtship. You probably never attended a course that taught you how to appropriately and successfully flirt.”
Without guidance, many of us learn through trial and error — often repeating the same unhealthy patterns. Carnes offers a framework of 12 stages of courtship that can help us understand how relationships form and, more importantly, how they can be nurtured over time. Whether you’re single, dating, or in a long-term partnership, these stages highlight what keeps love alive.
1. Noticing
It starts with awareness. We notice qualities in another person that we find attractive — their humor, warmth, intelligence, or even just their smile. But noticing isn’t only about attraction; it’s also about discernment. As one clinical commentary puts it, it’s the “capacity to filter out traits that, while desirable, are not a good match for you.” Even in long-term relationships, staying aware of what we appreciate in our partner keeps the connection alive.
2. Attraction
Attraction goes beyond noticing — it’s the pull we feel toward someone. Curiosity grows, but attraction also calls for wisdom. We must ask, Is this person suitable for me? In recovery terms, this involves developing what Carnes refers to as a “functional arousal map,” which helps identify the types of people and interactions that support healthy connection.
In long-term relationships, attraction evolves. Discovery never ends. It’s the fuel for passion and keeps relationships from going stale.
3. Flirtation
Flirting is how we signal interest. It’s playful, light, and fun, but it also requires good timing and emotional health. As one therapist explains, “Successful flirting is about discerning timing, setting, and reading the other’s cues. Dysfunctional flirting often confuses or misuses these signals.”
The best relationships? They keep flirting alive long after the first date.
4. Demonstration
This is when we show what we bring to the relationship — our talents, kindness, humor, stability, or creativity. Demonstration isn’t about boasting; it’s about giving the other person a glimpse into who we are. When it’s received well, it brings joy to both people.
5. Romance
Romance deepens attraction into passion, inviting vulnerability through the risk of expressing real feelings. Here, self-worth is essential. Without it, we might confuse projection for reality.
Carnes challenges us with a core question: “Are the people selected consistently positive, or bad choices for you?”
6. Individuation
Healthy love requires authenticity. You must be able to show up as you. Intimacy is about “knowing and being known.” That can’t happen if you’re hiding or trying to control the other person. True individuation means you can disagree, express yourself honestly, and remain deeply connected.
7. Intimacy
The honeymoon phase always fades, and that’s a good thing. Passion at the beginning is exciting, but true intimacy is deeper.
In his Dimensions of Courtship podcast, Carnes notes: “Deep stages like intimacy and renewal are where relationships truly mature—and where many get stuck. It’s no longer just about falling in love; it’s about staying in love.”
Intimacy requires vulnerability, sacrifice, and maturity. Over time, intimacy becomes richer than the initial spark because it’s built on being fully known and accepted.
8. Touching
Touch communicates care, connection, and comfort, but only when it’s respectful and consensual. “Without consent, touch destroys trust,” Carnes warns. Healthy touch builds safety and trust, and for many, experiencing safe, affirming touch can be profoundly healing.
9. Foreplay
Passion builds gradually. Foreplay through kissing, touching, playful teasing, and even verbal affirmation creates anticipation and pleasure. Unfortunately, our fast-paced culture tends to skip this stage, but couples who slow down often find it’s the most enjoyable part of sex.
10. Intercourse
At its best, sexual intimacy is about surrender — letting go of control and trusting the other person fully. Carnes teaches that “the real art of intercourse lies in emotional surrender—not just physical connection but relinquishing control long enough to deeply trust both one’s partner and oneself.”
11. Commitment
Deep relationships require stability, loyalty, and faithfulness. Commitment creates a foundation that allows love to grow beyond fleeting feelings or circumstances. It’s the glue that holds a relationship together when life gets tough.
12. Renewal
Healthy couples don’t just “fall in love” once. They continually renew their relationship by flirting, dating, showing appreciation, and deepening intimacy.
As Carnes puts it, renewal means actively “choosing your partner, over and over, in ways that keep the relationship alive.” Sometimes, renewal also means having the courage to change, renegotiate, or even leave when the relationship no longer fosters growth.
Final Thoughts
Courtship isn’t just about dating — it’s about the ongoing process of building, sustaining, and renewing intimacy. Each stage matters, not just in the beginning, but throughout the life of a relationship.
As Dr. Carnes reminds us, learning these skills is essential. They don’t come naturally for everyone, but the reward is worth it: deeper love, stronger connection, and lasting intimacy.
Questions to ask yourself
Take time to reflect on these prompts. You might journal your responses or discuss them with a trusted friend, mentor, or partner.
Noticing. Do I pay attention to both the attractive and the “red flag” qualities in others? In my current relationship, what traits do I still notice and value?
Attraction. When I feel drawn to someone, do I pause to ask if this person is healthy for me? In a long-term relationship, how do I keep curiosity alive?
Flirtation. How do I signal interest or playfulness? Do I still flirt with my partner?
Demonstration. What strengths, skills, or values do I naturally show in relationships? How do I allow others to see the “real me?”
Romance. Am I willing to risk vulnerability in expressing affection? Do I tend to project feelings onto others? Do I check whether their affection is genuine?
Individuation. Am I comfortable being fully myself, even if it means disagreeing? Do I let fear, obligation, or guilt control me in relationships?
Intimacy. When passion fades, do I lean into vulnerability and deeper connection, or do I withdraw?
Touching. Do I understand and respect boundaries when it comes to physical touch? How do I communicate my own needs around touch?
Foreplay. Do I take time to enjoy the build-up of passion, or do I tend to rush?
Intercourse. Am I able to surrender control and trust my partner in physical intimacy? What fears or barriers get in the way?
Commitment. How do I show loyalty and faithfulness in relationships? What does commitment mean to me at this stage of life?
Renewal. How do I “re-choose” my partner or relationship? What habits could I refresh to bring more life and meaning?
Remember: courtship is not just a one-time event; it’s a cycle you can revisit, practice, and deepen throughout your life.
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About the Author
Colin Alphonso, MS, LPC-Associate, LCDC, CSAT, under the supervision of Erin Wysong-Warren, LPC-S License #70992
(Appointments available online and in person)
Colin specializes in helping individuals navigate substance abuse, sex and porn addictions, compulsive behaviors, relationship challenges, gender and sexuality exploration, trauma, anxiety, and depression. He also has a passion for supporting those with disabilities, young adults, and members of the LGBT community.
He believes therapy is a collaborative process and aims to walk with you through challenges, offering compassionate support and honest perspectives that promote meaningful growth.
With over ten years in the mental and behavioral health field, Colin holds a Bachelor’s in Rehabilitation and Addiction Studies and a Master’s in Rehabilitation Counseling from the University of North Texas. He recently became a Certified Sex Addiction Therapist (CSAT) through the International Institute of Trauma and Addiction Professionals (IITAP).
To learn more about Colin Alphoso or to get in contact, click HERE.